Hill 364.

​I am first to admit that I am a very private person.  I tend to keep my emotions in check, and I tend to keep my business, my business.  I am definitely not one to pour my heart out, but perhaps this blog post will be as close I ever come to that.

The past 6+ months have been a mixed bag of the worst days of my life and some of the best.  Choosing to pick up and relocate to North Carolina wasn't a decision that came easily or without guilty feelings.  My wife and I were both leaving behind our families and friends in a state both of us called home our entire lives.  On top of that, my mother was amid her battle with cancer and was beginning to lose ground on that fight.  And, as much as I felt horrible about moving so far away from my Mom and my family, my mother had always talked about one day moving South and somewhere warm.  Her and I often talked about my desire to also move South.  Which always turned into Mom informing me that she would be living with us for extended periods of time during the winter months, if we did, in fact, move somewhere warm.  I always told her, "Screw that, you can stay 2 weeks at a time, max."  But, she always knew she could stay as long and as often as she wanted.

So, when people were surprised at how quickly my wife and I wanted to get moved down here, I can certainly understand their alarm.  But, just as much as we were excited to start our new lives down here, I also secretly had hopes that we would get settled in quickly enough that Mom could visit us here in NC.  And, while I knew it wouldn't be for the "Momo-esque" (inside family joke) time frames we often talked about, it was something I always dreamed about being able to share with my mother.

Unfortunately, Mom passed away in March of this year, about 2 months after we moved here.  Despite never physically visiting us, I know she has been here in spirit with us, enjoying the mild spring air and sunshine.  Losing loved ones is always hard, but losing my mother was pretty devastating.  Having battled cancer for years, sure, I mentally prepared myself for the eventuality of her passing, but no amount of preparation can truly soften the loss of your mother.  I'd cry in my car during my commute to work after hearing a song that reminded me of her.  I'd cry at work when something would remind me of her.  I'd cry at home watching tv, in the shower, petting our doggie, Gibby...you name it, my tears came often and even more often, unexpectedly.  In the time since her passing, I have certainly cried less and less; however, I just took a minute to gather myself as I typed this, on the brink of tears, so never far from my mind.

Just over 2 months after losing my Mom, my wife and I suffered another almost unbearable loss.  Our dog of just over 14 years, Gibby, had to be put to sleep.  It's difficult to even quantify with words how badly her passing hurt.  And, still does.  It breaks my heart coming home from work and not seeing her face in the window waiting for one of us to come home and take her for a walk.  She was a massive part of our lives, and that void still seems strange on a daily basis.​

Gibby was my studio buddy, and if I was upstairs painting, she wanted to be up there hogging the fan.

But, like I've told many others, this big ole rock keeps spinning no matter how shitty things get.  And, despite how bleak and horrible things can seem in your life, there are people and things in your life that should keep you going and keep getting you out of bed in the morning everyday.  Though things will never be the same in your life after losing loved ones, things do, slowly get better.  It doesn't mean you think of them less, or care any less, it just simply means that you are living your best life, the best way you know how.  I know Mom is still with us, and so is Gibby, and I am focused on trying to live the remainder of my life in a fashion both would approve of and be proud of.

I love and miss you both, not to mention Grandma Yoder, who, honestly is still a bit too fresh of a loss to try and delve into while typing this.  Sorry if this hit you in the feels like it did me, but I felt like people might be wondering where I have been of late, and wanted to make sure I checked in to give you people a quick update.  

Keep on rockin'
Jason
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